Archive for the ‘Formula 1’ Category

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F1’s Precious Flavio

January 7, 2010

I’ve always wondered what Flavio Briatore’s 26 year old wife must be thinking when she kisses the human equivalent of Gollum. I mean, come now – look at him. Not exactly the Brad Pitt of the F1 world is he? So putting his very questionable pot bellied looks aside what else do we have there? Hmm… a duplicitous, conniving, heavy handed, arrogant cheat. Can’t be his personality then either, can it? Guess that leaves only his money.

And who would be surprised by THAT little piece of truth?

I mean, LOOK at this woman. It makes me physically ill to think that Gollum slithers all over her when the lights go out.

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Michael Schumacher signs for Mercedes

December 23, 2009

Wow…just WOW.

In my post couple of days ago I mentioned how I got to meet MS and how I expected him to come back for the 2010 season but the guessing and speculation is now officially a reality.

Michael Schumacher will return to the grid in 2010 wearing the black and silver of Mercedes. In this unprecedented move, Schumi will now partner Rosberg and Brawn under a brand new 3 year contract.

This is utterly fantastic news and many people are surely beside themselves over this.

I think I’ll put some money down on Schumi to take out the WDC title. The bookies must be having kittens!!

www.planet-f1.com/story/0,18954,3213_5794625,00.html

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Michael Schumacher 2010

December 19, 2009

Michael Schumacher retired from Formula 1 at the end of the 2006 season.

Suddenly, from every corner of the news, there is unabated fever among the inhabitants of F1 about the imminent return of the most successful F1 driver ever to grace the sport and live to tell the tale.

I personally believe he will come back and am writing this in due course.

I had seen him race so many times. I grew up in the shadow of the “Senna passes the dominance torch to Schumacher” era and what an amazing 15 years it had been. You may know I grew up in Australia, so I was no stranger to Schumacher or Hakkinen or Hill or anyone from the crop of the mid 80’s to now. You feel as if you know them all somehow and yet, have never met any of them.

As fate would have it then, some 15 years and a move to Japan later, at Suzuka in 2006, I got some pit access and managed to meet most of the field and memorably have a little quiet time with Schumacher, a single race before he retired ( as far as I or anybody else knew at the time ) for ever.

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Kubica in F Major

October 7, 2009

F for Fail.

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R//O loves Robert Kubica – not for his, umm… questionable looks but for his car control and sheer speed. Robert has shown all of us uglier types that it is okay to look this way and still drive a fast car and for that, we roundly applaud him.

But, putting looks aside ( Not that there is a lot there to put away ), Robert Kubica has decided to do something totally daft.

Instead of taking the logical, career minded approach in leading a team funded by the biggest motoring manufacturer in the world, a manufacturer with billions of dollars in backing, Robert Kubica has made the major mistake of joining…them.

No, not Toyota…

You know that really hated band? “The New Cheats on the Block”? I think Piquet was singing like a canary, Alonso blowing ( sucking? ) on the flute, Briatore banging away on his own thinly stretched drum skins, and Symonds snorting, sorry, playing the heavy bass?

Yeah, I also heard their first single crashed horribly.

I knew Kubica was going to do this but am totally against it. Most of my reasoning stems from the fact that Renault are a mob of duplicitous cheating mongrels and got caught red handed. Sure they argue team personnel can’t be implicated in the mess because the “…sins of a few don’t cost the many”, but that’s like me saying, “Hey, if you don’t find my whole body, my penis cant be implicated in the penetration of that totally hot prostitute!”

It’s absurdity at its most baffling.

Robert may very well rue passing up the chance to go to Toyota simply for the fact that he could have been well away from the inner turmoil engulfing the Renault team.

As it is, he is now embracing it.

And did I tell you, had he made the right choice, he could be eating uber expensive sushi off very naked, very voluptuous and very expensive women in a very secret location – all on the bosses platinum card?

Obviously these guys are only paid to drive and not to think…

Kubica to Renault in 2010?

Fail.

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F1 Needs to Harden the Fuck Up.

October 4, 2009

Vettel may have had the easiest day out there with a convincing pole to win today in Suzuka but spare a thought for those behind him, especially the man who finished 2 laps down.

fucking kids

Although nothing can be taken away from the German who displayed composure and raw speed throughout the weekend, Webber must be feeling like God himself is well and truly against him, for despite having a car that was a gigantic half a second faster than everybody else over any single lap, Webber was struck with problem after problem after problem.

It wasn’t enough that a harmless nudge against the wall resulting in a hairline crack in the monocoque of the RBR on Saturday morning free practice completely sidelined him for the entire official qualifying, he also then had to endure the sight of Alguesuari spinning backwards over the kitty litter and into the barriers before the bridge carrying considerably more speed and then incredulously, getting out of the trap with no more than a broken rear wing. To make matters even worse, Alguesuari qualified P4 in Q3 despite all of this, eventually going on to make it into Q2.

You would think that was torture enough, but before Webber could even think that Sunday would be a better day, Vettel then went on to take a commanding P1 in Q3 first time out at the track.

Webber must surely be an expert masochist to end all masochists. He, “Loves to receive ze punishment!”

I suppose at least he didn’t get food poisoning this Saturday, like he did in Fuji a couple of years ago. Remember this?

People berate Webber for all sorts of pathetic reasons, conveniently failing to acknowledge the fact that he is a tougher than titanium racer, a man who will keep going despite being in excruciating pain or suffering from a lingering illness, right to the flag. Timo Glock would do well to take a teaspoon or two of good old Choppers, “Harden The Fuck Up” from Webber and get back in the car with his pussy scratch that he received after his visit to the wall. Timo was hobbling around getting pity from everyone, brandishing a bandaged leg that looked like he had suffered shrapnel wounds from a landmine. I thought he had a 40 degree fever never mind the bandage that should have been PINK, not blue.

Glock-is-a-pussy

Piss Weak Pussy Sauce.

Does anyone truly believe Webber would have given up on Sunday with this injury? Not on your life. It is more feasible that he would have told the medical team to “Fuck Off” and leave him with the injury because all Aussies know that a band-aid or two will fix anything. Even death.

Lets have a look back shall we?

He’s dealt with sickness, puking through his balaklava in his helmet during a race, been given 2nd degree burns in his ass due to a faulty wire in the car that super heated the seat. I was reminded by a friend of mine, Russ, that Jaguar, upon Webber coming in for a pitstop, threw a bucket of water over him and the seat to “…cool the temperatures.” Webber went right out again.

There is no one in F1 with bigger balls than Mark Webber. Fact.

He’s pulled multiple backflips at 330kph in a Mercedes CLR-GT1 LeMans car that would make Chinese Olympic diving athletes green with envy – not once but twice.

He’s also been hit head on by a car and had a metal pin installed to hold his leg together and how could anyone forget the butt-secks the “Fucking Kid” tried to have with him in Fuji in 2007, immortalized by Mark’s words, “Well, it’s just kids, isn’t it? Doing a good job and then they fuck it all up…”

I’m not done. Mark is so tough, he drove the start of the 2005 season with broken ribs. Walk in the park, is it?

Yes,  it’s just as conceivable as Hussein Bolt running the 100m sprint with a busted leg. And get a new WR in the process.

Who’s tougher than Mark? The only guy I can think of is Christ Jesus Himself and Mark is going to have to come back from the dead if he wants to take that trophy.

Too right, Mark. You’ve been robbed so many times and we are all filthy for you.

Interestingly, Japan has never been kind to Mark Webber. It was probably a black Japanese cat he killed.

Was there a race today? Oh yes, there was wasn’t there?  Silly of me to forget. So Sunday comes around and little Vettel has his day in the sun. Good for him and good for Red Bull, no doubt. Good for the championship even but with only one single engine left and 2 races to go, all it would take is for one little valve to say, “G’day Cobber” to Mr. Piston and it is Alfeiderzein for the German hot shoe and his, “Youngest WDC ever” title aspirations.

In the race, everyone gets away cleanly with Webber getting a decent start but disappointingly, is in the pits within 3 laps. Blown gearbox or engine?! Mangled suspension?! A date with a Romanian supermodel?!

No…with a busted safety cowling. Of course…there is no way it would have been serious.

Change of tires and out again, only to return into the pits a lap later with the same problem. Of all the things that could go wrong, a busted drivers cowling. Band-aids deployed, Webber sets off after the field, 3 laps down. The band-aids are holding obviously.

Predictably, he’s back in again soon enough for his third stop of the afternoon. This time it is a puncture. Nobody else the entire race suffers a puncture.

Punctured wheel changed and re-fuelled for a long 4th stint, it’s off again. Webber makes two more stops bringing the total to 5 for the day in what must surely be the most frustrating race I have ever had the displeasure of watching him compete in. In a race where nothing went wrong for anybody else besides Algesuari who managed to lose the Torro Rosso at 315kph into 130R ( that corner should be renamed “130 – Directly to E – R” ) Webber unchallengingly personifies, “Bad Luck”.

Somewhere, he must have smashed a mirror while running over a black cat without realizing he was going under a ladder on his bike right before being cleaned up by a car which leaves his leg mangled and broken. Seriously, it’s beyond a joke now.

Martin Brundle hilariously quipped today that, “..if Mark Webber wasn’t having any bad luck, he wouldn’t be having any luck at all!”

DH000094

I had the pleasure of meeting Mark at Suzuka in 2006 on both the Friday and Saturday. These were happier, burn and chunder free days for the Aussie and he was refreshingly open for a chat. Knowing I didn’t have the proper “credentials” to be in the paddock, he asked me, “… so how’d you get in here Adam, anyways?”

He then gives me a nudge and then says , “..dodgy deeds?!”

I had always thought the guy was awesome ( I had first met him in 1995 when he was driving a Formula Ford )  but this discussion we had in Suzuka took my respect for him to a completely different level. He wasn’t just approachable. He was normal and supremely friendly and everything I had hoped things would be like within the paddock.

He was exactly like me.

I should say most of the drivers were like this but Webber is a successful Aussie so that makes it personally special.

The fact that he smashed all of the other drivers lap times in the 2009 Japanese GP by taking the Fastest Lap classification was a big “Middle Fingered Salute” to all who speak ill of him. Very much like the massively underrated and overlooked, Nick Heidfeld, Mark Webber is and has always been one of the very best in the sport and credit should be given where it is deserved.

I just hope he’s not eating sushi tonight…

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Pull the Other One Toyota!

October 2, 2009

glock_toyota_cockpitsides_08pre

Living in Japan is usually really good for automotive things and this weekend is no exception. You see, the F1 circus is in town and everyone is watching in this racing mad country. Japan is so crazy about its motorsport that even major Japanese corporations pull incredible stunts to ensure they gain maximum exposure.

Toyota have done exactly that.

Not content with the driver pairing today, Toyota have told the world that Timo Glock has a heavy cold and a high fever and will “sit out” today’s Friday practice in order to help him recuperate before the qualifying session tomorrow. In Japanese medical circles, colds and “high” fevers only last 24 hours.

Speaking of getting high, what are the people at Toyota actually smoking these days anyway?

The thing is, they have appointed another driver to stand in for Timo.

And that driver is 23 year old Kamui Kobayashi. Who is Japanese… and 3rd driver for Toyota… racing at the Japanese GP…in front of Japans biggest corporate names…on Honda’s race track.

How convenient!

The least they could have done was make the Trulli sick. That way the better driver could actually get seat time instead of sitting out a vital session.

Not surprising really – wouldn’t be the first time Toyota has lied about something in order to obtain a result.

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Renault Disqualified, Briatore Banned

September 21, 2009

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No sooner had I written the previous piece on Nelsongate that news of the verdict over the Renault race fixing hearing taking place came through.

Renault have been handed a 2 year suspended disqualification.

In their release the World Motorsport Council and the FIA said:

“The World Motor Sport Council finds that Renault F1 team members Flavio Briatore, Pat Symonds and Nelson Piquet Jr. conspired to cause a deliberate crash at the 2008 Singapore Grand Prix. The World Motor Sport Council considers Renault F1’s breaches relating to the 2008 Singapore Grand Prix to be of unparalleled severity. Renault F1’s breaches not only compromised the integrity of the sport but also endangered the lives of spectators, officials, other competitors and Nelson Piquet Jr. himself.

“The World Motor Sport Council considers that offences of this severity merit permanent disqualification from the FIA Formula One World Championship.”

However, having regard to the points in mitigation mentioned above and in particular the steps taken by Renault F1 to identify and address the failings within its team and condemn the actions of the individuals involved, the WMSC has decided to suspend Renault F1’s disqualification until the end of the 2011 season. The World Motor Sport Council will only activate this disqualification if Renault F1 is found guilty of a comparable breach during that time.”

“In addition the World Motor Sport Council notes Renault F1’s apology and agrees that the team should pay the costs of the investigation. It also accepts the offer of a significant contribution to the FIA’s safety work.”

Thankfully, Briatore didn’t get away as easily. He has seemingly been banned for life, with the WMC and the FIA declaring that Flavio Briatore is to have no further dealings with anyone in the sport – including the management of any drivers. The decision was reached in light of the fact that Briatore continued to prfess his innocence despite the fact that evidence contradicted him at every turn.

In their damning assessment, the WMC and the FIA remarked that, “For an unlimited period, the FIA does not intend to sanction any International Event, Championship, Cup, Trophy, Challenge or Series involving Mr. Briatore in any capacity whatsoever, or grant any license to any Team or other entity engaging Mr. Briatore in any capacity whatsoever. It also hereby instructs all officials present at FIA-sanctioned events not to permit Mr. Briatore access to any areas under the FIA’s jurisdiction.”

“Furthermore, it does not intend to renew any Superlicence granted to any driver who is associated (through a management contract or otherwise) with Mr. Briatore, or any entity or individual associated with Mr. Briatore. In determining that such instructions should be applicable for an unlimited period, the World Motor Sport Council has had regard not only to the severity of the breach in which Mr. Briatore was complicit but also to his actions in continuing to deny his participation in the breach despite all the evidence.”

Thankfully, this is the end of Flavio Briatore and I for one am relieved. The sport is better off without people like this in it.