F1 Needs to Harden the Fuck Up.

October 4, 2009

Vettel may have had the easiest day out there with a convincing pole to win today in Suzuka but spare a thought for those behind him, especially the man who finished 2 laps down.

fucking kids

Although nothing can be taken away from the German who displayed composure and raw speed throughout the weekend, Webber must be feeling like God himself is well and truly against him, for despite having a car that was a gigantic half a second faster than everybody else over any single lap, Webber was struck with problem after problem after problem.

It wasn’t enough that a harmless nudge against the wall resulting in a hairline crack in the monocoque of the RBR on Saturday morning free practice completely sidelined him for the entire official qualifying, he also then had to endure the sight of Alguesuari spinning backwards over the kitty litter and into the barriers before the bridge carrying considerably more speed and then incredulously, getting out of the trap with no more than a broken rear wing. To make matters even worse, Alguesuari qualified P4 in Q3 despite all of this, eventually going on to make it into Q2.

You would think that was torture enough, but before Webber could even think that Sunday would be a better day, Vettel then went on to take a commanding P1 in Q3 first time out at the track.

Webber must surely be an expert masochist to end all masochists. He, “Loves to receive ze punishment!”

I suppose at least he didn’t get food poisoning this Saturday, like he did in Fuji a couple of years ago. Remember this?

People berate Webber for all sorts of pathetic reasons, conveniently failing to acknowledge the fact that he is a tougher than titanium racer, a man who will keep going despite being in excruciating pain or suffering from a lingering illness, right to the flag. Timo Glock would do well to take a teaspoon or two of good old Choppers, “Harden The Fuck Up” from Webber and get back in the car with his pussy scratch that he received after his visit to the wall. Timo was hobbling around getting pity from everyone, brandishing a bandaged leg that looked like he had suffered shrapnel wounds from a landmine. I thought he had a 40 degree fever never mind the bandage that should have been PINK, not blue.


Piss Weak Pussy Sauce.

Does anyone truly believe Webber would have given up on Sunday with this injury? Not on your life. It is more feasible that he would have told the medical team to “Fuck Off” and leave him with the injury because all Aussies know that a band-aid or two will fix anything. Even death.

Lets have a look back shall we?

He’s dealt with sickness, puking through his balaklava in his helmet during a race, been given 2nd degree burns in his ass due to a faulty wire in the car that super heated the seat. I was reminded by a friend of mine, Russ, that Jaguar, upon Webber coming in for a pitstop, threw a bucket of water over him and the seat to “…cool the temperatures.” Webber went right out again.

There is no one in F1 with bigger balls than Mark Webber. Fact.

He’s pulled multiple backflips at 330kph in a Mercedes CLR-GT1 LeMans car that would make Chinese Olympic diving athletes green with envy – not once but twice.

He’s also been hit head on by a car and had a metal pin installed to hold his leg together and how could anyone forget the butt-secks the “Fucking Kid” tried to have with him in Fuji in 2007, immortalized by Mark’s words, “Well, it’s just kids, isn’t it? Doing a good job and then they fuck it all up…”

I’m not done. Mark is so tough, he drove the start of the 2005 season with broken ribs. Walk in the park, is it?

Yes,  it’s just as conceivable as Hussein Bolt running the 100m sprint with a busted leg. And get a new WR in the process.

Who’s tougher than Mark? The only guy I can think of is Christ Jesus Himself and Mark is going to have to come back from the dead if he wants to take that trophy.

Too right, Mark. You’ve been robbed so many times and we are all filthy for you.

Interestingly, Japan has never been kind to Mark Webber. It was probably a black Japanese cat he killed.

Was there a race today? Oh yes, there was wasn’t there?  Silly of me to forget. So Sunday comes around and little Vettel has his day in the sun. Good for him and good for Red Bull, no doubt. Good for the championship even but with only one single engine left and 2 races to go, all it would take is for one little valve to say, “G’day Cobber” to Mr. Piston and it is Alfeiderzein for the German hot shoe and his, “Youngest WDC ever” title aspirations.

In the race, everyone gets away cleanly with Webber getting a decent start but disappointingly, is in the pits within 3 laps. Blown gearbox or engine?! Mangled suspension?! A date with a Romanian supermodel?!

No…with a busted safety cowling. Of course…there is no way it would have been serious.

Change of tires and out again, only to return into the pits a lap later with the same problem. Of all the things that could go wrong, a busted drivers cowling. Band-aids deployed, Webber sets off after the field, 3 laps down. The band-aids are holding obviously.

Predictably, he’s back in again soon enough for his third stop of the afternoon. This time it is a puncture. Nobody else the entire race suffers a puncture.

Punctured wheel changed and re-fuelled for a long 4th stint, it’s off again. Webber makes two more stops bringing the total to 5 for the day in what must surely be the most frustrating race I have ever had the displeasure of watching him compete in. In a race where nothing went wrong for anybody else besides Algesuari who managed to lose the Torro Rosso at 315kph into 130R ( that corner should be renamed “130 – Directly to E – R” ) Webber unchallengingly personifies, “Bad Luck”.

Somewhere, he must have smashed a mirror while running over a black cat without realizing he was going under a ladder on his bike right before being cleaned up by a car which leaves his leg mangled and broken. Seriously, it’s beyond a joke now.

Martin Brundle hilariously quipped today that, “..if Mark Webber wasn’t having any bad luck, he wouldn’t be having any luck at all!”


I had the pleasure of meeting Mark at Suzuka in 2006 on both the Friday and Saturday. These were happier, burn and chunder free days for the Aussie and he was refreshingly open for a chat. Knowing I didn’t have the proper “credentials” to be in the paddock, he asked me, “… so how’d you get in here Adam, anyways?”

He then gives me a nudge and then says , “..dodgy deeds?!”

I had always thought the guy was awesome ( I had first met him in 1995 when he was driving a Formula Ford )  but this discussion we had in Suzuka took my respect for him to a completely different level. He wasn’t just approachable. He was normal and supremely friendly and everything I had hoped things would be like within the paddock.

He was exactly like me.

I should say most of the drivers were like this but Webber is a successful Aussie so that makes it personally special.

The fact that he smashed all of the other drivers lap times in the 2009 Japanese GP by taking the Fastest Lap classification was a big “Middle Fingered Salute” to all who speak ill of him. Very much like the massively underrated and overlooked, Nick Heidfeld, Mark Webber is and has always been one of the very best in the sport and credit should be given where it is deserved.

I just hope he’s not eating sushi tonight…



  1. I remember watching all those things and the way they fix them is “she’ll be right” It’s kind of the aussie way isn’t it.

    I remember the ass incident. he pitted they threw some water on him. now go drive faster with a burnt ass and soaking wet.

    it’s rediculous.

    I remember watching him in Formula V in oz. won everything.

  2. Too right Russ. He’s always been tough as nails and extremely good with a car even when it’s a dog to drive..even when his ass was on fire.

    I first met Webber in ’95, last race for F1 in Adelaide, when he was racing for Yellow Pages in Formula Ford. He hasn’t changed a bit – still as awesome as he ever was. I recall he launched over the kerbs and wrecked it that day as well, haha.

    I may have been hard on Glock but I know Toyota created this mess and he was a wimp for not just getting on with it with a bandage under the suit. Webber most definitely would have lined up for the start and that to me distinguishes one major quality between who is epic and who is merely making up the numbers.

    No wonder they are all bemoaning the lack of top shelf driving material in the sport these days.

    They just aren’t built like Mark Webber!

  3. this made my day.. WEBBER!

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